A TALE OF TWO CAMS

Artist's rendering of Livid...

...and coops_13. (in beret)

When I tell you that last night we had dueling cams in 2 way, I know what you sick monkeys are going to think. Get your minds out of the gutter, people! No, MrArchieBunker didn't strip down to his camo thong and belly dance to Iranian music. Although I'm told he has shows in Adult Playground every night at 6:30 and 9:00. No, this cam battle was an epic, one for the record books. Livid was challenged to cam up by the tragically outmatched coops_13.

We could tell things were off to a bad start when coops_13 felt so insecure that he scampered off and snatched up a red beret to wear, in order to appear as "butch" as possible. Newsflash, coopsy, you could back a humvee into your basement and man the M60, 7.62mm machine gun on top, and you'd still look like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz.

Livid, on the other hand, gave us a glimpse into his cam, and frankly, the guy reminded me of the late Charles Rocket, of SNL, and recently Law & Order: CI. The usual text natterrers like Brute and Hondo, tried to cluck about the shelves of the medicine cabinet behind Livid's head, but I noticed something neither one of them had the life experience to recognize. Sitting on a shelf was a box of...ahem...feminine hygiene products. Given that, there is every reason to believe that Livid might have had occasion to be in the presence of a real live naked woman recently. Someone like Brute or Hondo, not having ever lived with a woman, were oblivious to that little box until I mentioned it, and seemed genuinely confounded by it. Imagine the monkeys from 2001, beating the Kotex box with sticks because they do not understand it.

coops_13 was feverishly tapping out his military info to the room, but wethinks he was protesting a tad much. This isn't a Chinese Reeducation Camp, coopsy, you don't need to scream your rank and serial number as Chariman Mao's little brother yells "Aww, you fiwthy Amewican wiah!" and beats the soles of your feet with bamboo. I know that's probably one of your recurring erotic dreams, you seem so desperate to "get into the action," and "be a part of the unit," and "prove to mommy you're not a dirty little bastar-" Whoops, sorry, that was supposed to be innuendo. My bad.

I was watching coopsy when suddenly, in the background, I saw what looked like a little toy bus on a shelf. "Coops," I typed, "is that a model train or something?" That's when coopsy seemed to puff up with pride, grabbed his cam, and proceeded to give us a panoramic tour of his antique toy collection. Holy shit, we started saying in text, what kind of weirdo is this guy? Obsession with the military and demonstrating his bravado, combined with devotion to acquiring and maintaining a toy collection...hell, throw in bedwetting and firestarting and you've got the profile of a serial killer. Or a civilian war planner at the Pentagon. But, I repeat myself.

Believe me, I'm not the only one who was begging coopsy to "just stay down, man, stay down," after that brutal, self-inflicted pummelling. Talk about unintended consequences, coops, seriously, if you want to maintain the illusion that you're actually a doctor in the military, you might want to stay off cam. Maybe the mystique and allure of your cover story will impress the tweeners on MySpace. And, hey, if you can't hook up with the military angle, you can get them to come over and play with your toys.

JC