DAME ALFIE MELBA SINGS AGAIN

Last century, a large very white elderly opera singer named Dame Nellie Melba ( she of peche melba fame) was the toast of the opera world..she had one habit that drove Australians mad, though, she just wouldnt leave the stage,... long after the polite applause , she still stood, hand on large bosom, trilling away...the audience strolled out, the musicians packed up, the stage hands went home, .....and so it is with Alfie.. a congenital drongo from Dingbat, QLD, Hi Falutins husband, I understand.

Alfie's overture is a recorded preamble which always starts basso profundo with..'its none of my business but'.... and it goes on from there, Alfie singing contralto about his imaginary 'military service'... ( the AU army has rigid mental health checks , I need say no more) about his long experiences as a dole bludger, about his pet rock, about his past prostate op. a long expose of his bowel surgery, the adventures of his elderly mother at Lawn Bowls, his recent election to the board of the Dingbat Darts committee , his sole appearance at the Dingbat Town Hall, where he was insultingly spoken to harshly by Sgt Desmond Donk for piddling on the walls of the Council Chambers and summarily ejected.......etc.. you get the drift..

Singing chorus to Dame Alfie's aria is some poor old biddy called Glama.. a more inapt handle would be hard to find... Glama has, in some recent past, suffered a stroke, which makes her words beyond understanding to most, plus a lack of dentures, and sad to say, she also has a sort of laughing affliction.. this is a huge worry to listeners as each gasp seems like the last.. its a chilling experience.. on the one hand, one prays for a quick end, on the other, one wonders about her neighbors.

Hi Falutin plays all the small roles, in costumes varying from Pinochio to the Nut cracker, with a finale duo of Glama and Hi screeching away with the standard ending of ' .you fucking muzzie' etc etc etc.... . well. folks... I just cant write it.. suffice to say, its hideous.. hideous... so awful, like a snake swallowing an antelope , that ono and I were both driven to apologise . silly us.