MY PET FLY

Sometimes i hear an annoying high pitched whine when I come online. Something like the sound Scooter Libby will be making as Patrick Fitzgerald clamps down on his testicles and begins to twist. I look around the room to see where this warbling, yodeling screech is coming from. Let's see, Virginia_1776 is spoon-deep in a half gallon of Rocky Road, so it can't be her. Ricochet Rebel still has his hand on his dead-man's switch wired up to a belt of Oscar Meyer weiners. Can't be that...

Oh, wait, I see it now! My pet fly, VIC_FERRARI_FOREVER, is on the mic. This detestable parasite won't stop buzzing around my head. I didn't notice before because his reedy falsetto is rapidly moving out of the range of frequencies detectable by the human ear. If stray dogs are whining and rubbing their paws over their ears, you can be sure Vic's whine is turned on full blast. I'm pretty sure that, for each 10 point drop in Bush's approval, Vic's voice has jumped a full 1000 Hz.

After 9/11, Vic sounded almost like his testicles were mid-descent. Speech sounds are clustered between 500 and 2000 Hz, so Vic might have been able to pass for fully grown adult male with Bush polling in the 80's. As that number began its inexorable descent, Vic's tenor tones were squeezed from his throat, into alto, soprano, falsetto, and beyond. At this point, shunned by most normal humans and unable to find gainful employment, Vic could probably aid his local sheriff's department by posing as an 11-year old girl on phone calls to sting pedophiles. Although, I can't imagine Alabama has much of a pedophilia problem, what with the healthy and diverse sheep population.

At this point, Vic's squeal can knock bats out of the air at a hundred yards. I think the NSA is likely to begin testing Vic's vocal assault as a nonlethal battlefield weapon. Hey, remember those stories about the Pentagon testing a new Gay bomb to cause soldiers to drop their weapons and get Brokeback with each other? That's probably what the Vicolator 2000 is for. A 30 second blast will shrivel up a normal man's testes into his abdomen, and cause testosterone to hemorrhage out his eyeballs. One can only shudder to think what effect Vic is having by using his squeal daily so close to his own body...

JC