TOMMYTELETHON

You people eat this stuff?

tommyjohnson44 just demonstrated to the room the sad state of, at the very least, his personal economy, when he said:

"I'm jes' waitin' fer the price of crawfish to come down so I kin git some."

Now, I'm not that familiar with the commodity prices of what are basically underwater cockroaches, but it seems unconscionable that in the most prosperous nation in the world, people like tommyjohnson44 would need to choose between paying rent, utilities, or the succulent crunch of aquatic insects.

Please, won't you dig deep into your hearts and wallets, and contribute to The tommyjohnson44 Crawfish Fund? A watery bug is a terrible thing to waste.

Make checks payable to:

The tommyjohnson44 Underwater Cockroach Fund
c/o The Shady Pines Trailer Park, Lot 159
Booniesplat, LA, 44556

JC

JAY'S CORONATION

Lord Jay 156 cops a feel

Dateline Paltalkia - The Toodur royal family announced today the creation of Lord Jay 156, knight of Northumberland and Lower Mississippi. Reports confirm that the king used a ten foot pole rather than the traditional longsword, as, in his words, "The stench was nigh unbearable, wot wot."

Anonymous sources claim that Jay lobbied heavily for the elevation, primarily owing to his unrequited, and downright creepy, obsessive mancrush on LordMercifulVoo. As a commoner, jay_156 was ineligible for a formal marriage (and you know how eager he is to get into his white wedding gown). Unfortunately for Lord Jay, reports from Voo's camp indicate that the promised dowry, consisting of 3 decrepit mobile homes, ten roughly sexually abused sheep, and a rusted out Ford truck on cinderblocks, would not be enough to persuade Voo. Besides, he's not gay. At least not for that price.

Rumors persist that Lord Jay 156 intended to go to war to force the marriage to take place, but owing to the fact that Jay is a chickenhawk with an intense fear of fighting, war, horses, mud, pain, and strawberries, the planned invasion was scrapped.

More details to follow, as Jay is clearly not finished wooing his beloved...

JC

HOW TO SPIN

Bourgeois Politics
Here's how to put the spin on.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for
horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse
thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed
the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives convicted
and hanged in 1889."

Judy emailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of
professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical
sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at
a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital
investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in
his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.*

And that is how it's done folks.